Dear Charles #17,
18 days to go, and the countdown begins.
i can not believe that my time here is this close to being over. i need to be honest with you, i am not ready to come home. thats not entirely true actually, im ready to come home but i'm not ready to leave here. thailand is in many ways my home now. i have a physical home, a room that i've decorated, a bathroom that has all my stuff in it, a fridge with all my food in it, a shoe rack outside with all my shoes in it, but its more then that. i have relationships here, i love people here, my heart is joined with places and people that will forever be apart of me, and thinking about having to leave all of this behind, feels like i'm ripping part of my heart away and leaving it here. a piece i think i'll always be looking for, and will only be able to find in thailand.
these last couple of weeks have been the most emotion filled of my life. there was a time, at the beginning of this long process of grieving, that i was ready to buy a ticket home-early-just to be home, i was missing it so much. that feeling turned, in about a week, into absolute sadness when i thought about what going home would mean. that i would be leaving thailand, and everything i've fallen in love with here. since then that feeling has persisted, i've done my best to just make the most of every situation and soak up my last moments, but even then the sadness is hovering in the back of my mind reminding me that no matter how much i appreciate a moment, in just a few weeks its going to be gone, and thailand will be a memory, no longer my current life. well, for awhile it'll still be current, but i wont be actively living it.
i have had a lot of hard talks with my parents and some friends on my thoughts on leaving and one of the things that i've mentioned to them is that, when i think about the heart ache i'm experiencing and am going to experience from the time i get on that plane to when i get home and beyond, is that hurt worth the trade? for this whole experience? i know it is, it's a stupid question because the answer is obvious, but in the moments of the deepest hurt sometimes it doesnt feel like that. what have i gained from pouring my heart and life into something thats just going to be taken from me? a better world view? an expanded ability to love? a cultural experience? is that worth this feeling of emptiness? this almost visible, thailand shaped hole in my heart?
what do i do when i get home to tacoma? and thats what it is now, it is my home in tacoma, not my home. after this, i dont feel like i have a home-home. if anything thailand feels more like my home-home because i've made a life for myself here, separate from my parents, or friends, or american lifestyle. i cant just go back to tacoma and nestle my way back into the life i lead before i left, and it scares me to think of it like that. i dont know how exactly my life is going to be different, what changes are permanent, if im going to feel like an outsider now that ive had this experience that no one else is going to fully understand...
will i be different? will you not like the changes? am i going to be able to handle the transition? can i live with myself knowing what i'm leaving behind here? how is it possible that all these question pass through my brain in less then five seconds, in order to make room for all the billion other ones i have floating around...'?
i need to warn you before i come home, that i don't want to hear the question, "how was thailand?" anyone of you that have traveled somewhere longer then...a week, know that that is an impossible question to answer. theres no way that i can sum up 6 months of life changing experiences into a phrase that is going to satisfy you before you start talking about your new car, or what else happened while i was away. it is going to take months and months for me to be able to figure everything out, and when i do, how exactly im going to incorporate that into the life that i will be entering into. my "american life". im terrified of that transition. i have no idea what to expect because i've never dealt with anything like this before.
i'll do my best to prepare a blanket statement for when i will inevitably be asked how my time here was, if you are subject to such an answer from me, i apologize if i sound..emotionless (?), as i am most likely trying to mask every emotion that is trying to pound its way through my words. every emotion that i can't express with words.
as of right now, i'm not ready to give this all up. i'm not ready to force myself back in a life that seems like a ghost to me now. i'm not ready to walk down a street in tacoma and be content with my life. i'm not ready to think about thailand and not be able to walk out my front door and live it. i'm not ready to say goodbye, and i know that two and a half more weeks here isnt going to change that. i'm not ready for the impending heart break.
bear with me and my transition home, friends. please.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Dear Charles #16,
today i met with esther to continue our math lessons. it's been going as usual...she sasses me, i don't take any of her crap, i pretend i remember how to add fractions and she gives me a hard time for not remembering how because i'm, "american, and i should know how"
so today i was trying to explain a problem to her, to break it down so that we could both understand it better, and she talked herself out of it telling me she "so knows how to do this, this is for babies" so i said in a teasing tone "ok, you can do it by yourself, if you don't want to be respectful towards me then i guess you don't need my help" and i faked a big reaction, turning myself around, putting my arms over my chest and sighing loudly...
a few minutes later esther, the 8 year old, puts her hand on my shoulder and says "ok, if you really want me to respect you then i guess i can. will you help me miss anna?"
haha. shes funny sometimes.
today i met with esther to continue our math lessons. it's been going as usual...she sasses me, i don't take any of her crap, i pretend i remember how to add fractions and she gives me a hard time for not remembering how because i'm, "american, and i should know how"
so today i was trying to explain a problem to her, to break it down so that we could both understand it better, and she talked herself out of it telling me she "so knows how to do this, this is for babies" so i said in a teasing tone "ok, you can do it by yourself, if you don't want to be respectful towards me then i guess you don't need my help" and i faked a big reaction, turning myself around, putting my arms over my chest and sighing loudly...
a few minutes later esther, the 8 year old, puts her hand on my shoulder and says "ok, if you really want me to respect you then i guess i can. will you help me miss anna?"
haha. shes funny sometimes.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Dear Charles, #15
today broke the mold of the last few weeks. i have been "enjoying" the hot season for awhile now, listening to the rain hitting the pavement only at night, when i'm snuggled away in bed, wishing the cool relief would come during the day. and today, it did! it rained most of the morning, and although it's stopped now the sky is still cloudy which gives me hope for it to continue. granted it is only temporary relief as tomorrow the weather will pick up on the moisture from today and harness it for it's own, deathly humid, purposes. you win some you loose some though right?
besides the overwhelming heat of the past few weeks, the events have been normal: wake up, hit snooze, hit snooze again, shower, skip breakfast, get picked up for school, take off my shoes, check my email, acknowledge that my mom, dictionary.com (with the word of the day) and urban outfitters were the only ones to write me, sigh, turn on the fan, settle myself in my plastic chair, begin the work for the day, listen to the sound of the kids running past my room, muster up patience to work with kids who speak english as their second language, eat too much lunch, continue work, think about what the people i love in america are doing, hear the bell that lets everyone out of school, wait in the parking lot to go home, sweat, sweat some more, get home, shower, nap or read, walk to the market and get something delicious for dinner, commence some activity that's usually different every night, get in bed, try to ignore the heat, clear my mind, sleep, wake up, love my simple life. repeat.
a few weeks ago my room mate, and good friend kyndra left to go home for a month. she's there to raise support and visit her family after being here for almost a year and a half. i miss her like crazy but i'm really glad she gets to do this. before she left here though her friend julie came from WA to visit her and i got to spend a week with the two of them. it was one of the best weeks i've had here :)
one of the days of that week the three of us and p'lut made our way up to a tea farm, and coffee shop close to the border. we ate breakfast and drank coffee. i drank coffee! i figured it was about time to accept my fate as a washingtonian and like the stuff before i get shunned out of the state. plus i'll be starting university next year and i want to fulfill every college stereotype possible, including the ability to say "i've got 2 finals tomorrow that i haven't studied for yet. i think i'm gonna have to pull an all-nighter, starbuck's here i come.." or something of that nature. then achieve mad respect from my friends when i pass both exams with flying colors. all thanks to that little black bean ground and juiced.
so we went to a couple different places where they harvested and sold tea that day and got to see the workers pulling the tea leaves and got to take part in something like a 'tea ceremony' without the fancy clothes or mats on the floor. all of this took place on the top of a mountain, and as we got ready to go i remembered what i would have to face on the way back down: a road shaped like outcome of a silly string fight.
i braced myself, rolling down my window and closing my eyes, although by the time we had been driving for more then 3 min. none of that did any good. i felt the food and gallons of tea in my stomach dance like a group of seniors at prom. no, make that a group of hard-edged teenagers moshing at a rock concert. i guess my toast and eggs had some sort of vendetta against me for eating them, and the tea decided it wanted to flush my system early. i was miserable. the beautiful scenery around me began to blur, and i clutched my stomach, ready right then and there to sacrifice my clean jeans as the receiving place for my breakfast. kyndra tossed me a plastic bag from the front of the car that ended up being my crutch the rest of the ride. the suckiest part about it all was that i never threw up. i just had the anticipation and the feeling, and the taste with no relief. it took us like 25 min. to get down the mountain, and about 4 and a half hours for me to recover. i think i'm officially motion sick.
the only other exciting event i can think of that has happened since then is my "assignment" as it is now called. a man that goes to the university near my house was at the cafe one day, talking to his friend about how he needed someone who spoke english to look over his thesis paper to make sure his english was good. of course p'lut suggested a wonderful american girl he knows! so i met with supian (from indonesia) and accepted his offer to have me correct his thesis paper for his masters in biotechnology. it was the craziest thing i've ever done, i wish i could remember the title of his paper but i literally didn't understand a word of it. i did my best with the corrections, but when i gave it back to him i reminded him that i am not en english major, and most of the words he used i have never even heard. either way i got a thousand baht out of it which is sweet!
i'm going to write more soon about my thoughts as of late, but for now i'm going to go wait in the parking lot for my ride home, sweat, sweat some more, go home, shower...etc etc...
today broke the mold of the last few weeks. i have been "enjoying" the hot season for awhile now, listening to the rain hitting the pavement only at night, when i'm snuggled away in bed, wishing the cool relief would come during the day. and today, it did! it rained most of the morning, and although it's stopped now the sky is still cloudy which gives me hope for it to continue. granted it is only temporary relief as tomorrow the weather will pick up on the moisture from today and harness it for it's own, deathly humid, purposes. you win some you loose some though right?
besides the overwhelming heat of the past few weeks, the events have been normal: wake up, hit snooze, hit snooze again, shower, skip breakfast, get picked up for school, take off my shoes, check my email, acknowledge that my mom, dictionary.com (with the word of the day) and urban outfitters were the only ones to write me, sigh, turn on the fan, settle myself in my plastic chair, begin the work for the day, listen to the sound of the kids running past my room, muster up patience to work with kids who speak english as their second language, eat too much lunch, continue work, think about what the people i love in america are doing, hear the bell that lets everyone out of school, wait in the parking lot to go home, sweat, sweat some more, get home, shower, nap or read, walk to the market and get something delicious for dinner, commence some activity that's usually different every night, get in bed, try to ignore the heat, clear my mind, sleep, wake up, love my simple life. repeat.
a few weeks ago my room mate, and good friend kyndra left to go home for a month. she's there to raise support and visit her family after being here for almost a year and a half. i miss her like crazy but i'm really glad she gets to do this. before she left here though her friend julie came from WA to visit her and i got to spend a week with the two of them. it was one of the best weeks i've had here :)
one of the days of that week the three of us and p'lut made our way up to a tea farm, and coffee shop close to the border. we ate breakfast and drank coffee. i drank coffee! i figured it was about time to accept my fate as a washingtonian and like the stuff before i get shunned out of the state. plus i'll be starting university next year and i want to fulfill every college stereotype possible, including the ability to say "i've got 2 finals tomorrow that i haven't studied for yet. i think i'm gonna have to pull an all-nighter, starbuck's here i come.." or something of that nature. then achieve mad respect from my friends when i pass both exams with flying colors. all thanks to that little black bean ground and juiced.
so we went to a couple different places where they harvested and sold tea that day and got to see the workers pulling the tea leaves and got to take part in something like a 'tea ceremony' without the fancy clothes or mats on the floor. all of this took place on the top of a mountain, and as we got ready to go i remembered what i would have to face on the way back down: a road shaped like outcome of a silly string fight.
i braced myself, rolling down my window and closing my eyes, although by the time we had been driving for more then 3 min. none of that did any good. i felt the food and gallons of tea in my stomach dance like a group of seniors at prom. no, make that a group of hard-edged teenagers moshing at a rock concert. i guess my toast and eggs had some sort of vendetta against me for eating them, and the tea decided it wanted to flush my system early. i was miserable. the beautiful scenery around me began to blur, and i clutched my stomach, ready right then and there to sacrifice my clean jeans as the receiving place for my breakfast. kyndra tossed me a plastic bag from the front of the car that ended up being my crutch the rest of the ride. the suckiest part about it all was that i never threw up. i just had the anticipation and the feeling, and the taste with no relief. it took us like 25 min. to get down the mountain, and about 4 and a half hours for me to recover. i think i'm officially motion sick.
the only other exciting event i can think of that has happened since then is my "assignment" as it is now called. a man that goes to the university near my house was at the cafe one day, talking to his friend about how he needed someone who spoke english to look over his thesis paper to make sure his english was good. of course p'lut suggested a wonderful american girl he knows! so i met with supian (from indonesia) and accepted his offer to have me correct his thesis paper for his masters in biotechnology. it was the craziest thing i've ever done, i wish i could remember the title of his paper but i literally didn't understand a word of it. i did my best with the corrections, but when i gave it back to him i reminded him that i am not en english major, and most of the words he used i have never even heard. either way i got a thousand baht out of it which is sweet!
i'm going to write more soon about my thoughts as of late, but for now i'm going to go wait in the parking lot for my ride home, sweat, sweat some more, go home, shower...etc etc...
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