Dear Charles #17,

18 days to go, and the countdown begins.
i can not believe that my time here is this close to being over. i need to be honest with you, i am not ready to come home. thats not entirely true actually, im ready to come home but i'm not ready to leave here. thailand is in many ways my home now. i have a physical home, a room that i've decorated, a bathroom that has all my stuff in it, a fridge with all my food in it, a shoe rack outside with all my shoes in it, but its more then that. i have relationships here, i love people here, my heart is joined with places and people that will forever be apart of me, and thinking about having to leave all of this behind, feels like i'm ripping part of my heart away and leaving it here. a piece i think i'll always be looking for, and will only be able to find in thailand.

these last couple of weeks have been the most emotion filled of my life. there was a time, at the beginning of this long process of grieving, that i was ready to buy a ticket home-early-just to be home, i was missing it so much. that feeling turned, in about a week, into absolute sadness when i thought about what going home would mean. that i would be leaving thailand, and everything i've fallen in love with here. since then that feeling has persisted, i've done my best to just make the most of every situation and soak up my last moments, but even then the sadness is hovering in the back of my mind reminding me that no matter how much i appreciate a moment, in just a few weeks its going to be gone, and thailand will be a memory, no longer my current life. well, for awhile it'll still be current, but i wont be actively living it.

i have had a lot of hard talks with my parents and some friends on my thoughts on leaving and one of the things that i've mentioned to them is that, when i think about the heart ache i'm experiencing and am going to experience from the time i get on that plane to when i get home and beyond, is that hurt worth the trade? for this whole experience? i know it is, it's a stupid question because the answer is obvious, but in the moments of the deepest hurt sometimes it doesnt feel like that. what have i gained from pouring my heart and life into something thats just going to be taken from me? a better world view? an expanded ability to love? a cultural experience? is that worth this feeling of emptiness? this almost visible, thailand shaped hole in my heart?

what do i do when i get home to tacoma? and thats what it is now, it is my home in tacoma, not my home. after this, i dont feel like i have a home-home. if anything thailand feels more like my home-home because i've made a life for myself here, separate from my parents, or friends, or american lifestyle. i cant just go back to tacoma and nestle my way back into the life i lead before i left, and it scares me to think of it like that. i dont know how exactly my life is going to be different, what changes are permanent, if im going to feel like an outsider now that ive had this experience that no one else is going to fully understand...

will i be different? will you not like the changes? am i going to be able to handle the transition? can i live with myself knowing what i'm leaving behind here? how is it possible that all these question pass through my brain in less then five seconds, in order to make room for all the billion other ones i have floating around...'?

i need to warn you before i come home, that i don't want to hear the question, "how was thailand?" anyone of you that have traveled somewhere longer then...a week, know that that is an impossible question to answer. theres no way that i can sum up 6 months of life changing experiences into a phrase that is going to satisfy you before you start talking about your new car, or what else happened while i was away. it is going to take months and months for me to be able to figure everything out, and when i do, how exactly im going to incorporate that into the life that i will be entering into. my "american life". im terrified of that transition. i have no idea what to expect because i've never dealt with anything like this before.
i'll do my best to prepare a blanket statement for when i will inevitably be asked how my time here was, if you are subject to such an answer from me, i apologize if i sound..emotionless (?), as i am most likely trying to mask every emotion that is trying to pound its way through my words. every emotion that i can't express with words.

as of right now, i'm not ready to give this all up. i'm not ready to force myself back in a life that seems like a ghost to me now. i'm not ready to walk down a street in tacoma and be content with my life. i'm not ready to think about thailand and not be able to walk out my front door and live it. i'm not ready to say goodbye, and i know that two and a half more weeks here isnt going to change that. i'm not ready for the impending heart break.

bear with me and my transition home, friends. please.